On beauty: changing how we think of ourselves and others

“To be born woman is to know—
Although they do not talk of it at school—
That we must labour to be beautiful.”
--W.B. Yeats

More than money or fancy learning, a woman’s beauty is her capital, and however attractive a woman is, that’s a good indicator of how far she’ll go in life: how well she’ll marry, how beloved her children will be, how close to the glass ceiling she’ll come. Many women have thought some version of this story, but is this really a fair representation of our fair sex? It’s true that some women will have it easy for having grown up into the proportions that are in vogue right now, but so-called beautiful women can have a hard time being taken seriously for their smarts and general competence. Whether a woman is plain or a “knockout,” there are consequences. So what are we going to do about it?

Many women know what it’s like to worry about being upstaged. Say you’re out with your husband, and a younger, thinner woman walks into the room, immediately causing you to feel inferior. Or remember the polished, well-dressed girls from the wealthier families in high school and how exclusive they were, ruling the microcosm of school at the expense of the frumpy girls still hanging onto their baby fat? Harsh judgments about a woman’s physical appearance are frequently woman-to-woman. We’re raised to be very body-conscious, contemplating the proportions of our creamy-skinned and blue-eyed Barbies, and, as we get older, this insecurity translates into cattiness: “Did you see her skirt?” “Do you think I’m prettier than she is?”

Ladies, let’s make a change. It’s too easy to be at a pool party and thank your lucky stars that there’s a more “matronly” figure there than yours. Like men with their strength, we’re stuck in this stereotype of comparison, but the people we’re really hurting with this are ourselves, even if we don’t know it. We’re enforcing the notion that how attractive we are is directly related to how worthy we are of attention, confidence, friendship and love. It may sound silly in writing, but it’s going on all the time.

Regardless of physical features, it’s important to remember the experience of the subjectivity of beauty. Ever known somebody that was physically perfect, but as you got to know them, you realized things about their values that disgusted you, like maybe they drop a few racial slurs and try to get you to join in on their joke? Still impressed by their physicality? Or the sweaty and haggard mom with baby spit-up on her shoulder that helps you find the olives in the grocery store—doesn’t her generosity render her beatific in hindsight? It’s an old cliché that true beauty is on the inside—and maybe this kind of beauty doesn’t help women get ahead in life—but if each of us makes the individual choice to stop comparing ourselves to other women so much and to stop comparing all of us to some abstract ideal, we might all feel better about ourselves and get on better with the women around us in turn.

--Larissa Weaver, YWCA Grant-Writing Intern

Originally from Germany, Larissa Weaver has studied German literature and creative writing at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville. Her areas of interest include equality of education access, prison reform, Queer Theory, knitting, and comparative literature. She lives in Knoxville with her domestic partner Ben, their two dogs—Keiko & Scribbs—and Keaton, the cat.

Ultimate role models

My mom. My second-grade teacher. My undergraduate thesis advisor. The nonprofit director of my first job out of college. Novelist Alice Walker. Suffragist Alice Paul.

These are just a few of the women who have made a big impact on my life. Some I’ve known intimately and others only on paper.

On August 18, we celebrate the 2011 YWCA Tribute to Women at the Bijou Theatre in downtown Knoxville. This signature event recognizes East Tennessee women who have overcome barriers and helped others overcome—women who embody empowerment, equality, and transformation. The ultimate role models.

One such example is Mary Lou Horner, this year’s recipient of the Lifetime Achievement Award. She became one of Knox County's first female commissioners, headed a local paper, and has served on at least a dozen boards, transforming local politics, business, and media at a time when women’s voices were still confined to the private sphere. Thankfully, Ms. Horner would not be confined, and she paved the way for other women.

Some of us have been lucky to know Mary Lou Horner well, while others have learned from her work or followed in her footsteps. But what happens when you don’t have strong women to guide you? Many YWCA clients have never had positive influences in their lives. As a result, they struggle with low self-esteem, have difficulty trusting people, and lack the tools to make healthy decisions. That’s where the YWCA comes in. We give them those tools and show them their potential. And that’s similar to the job of a mentor.

Exposure to role models and mentoring increases self-efficacy. As Kathy Korman Frey of George Washington University frequently points out, research indicates that we need five mentors for “advice, support, problem-solving, coaching, and networking.” If you don’t have a relationship with a mentor and are having trouble finding one, Frey says written mentoring works too. Take my examples of Alice Walker and Alice Paul. After reading the former’s fiction and learning about the latter’s struggle for the vote, I saw the world, and myself, differently. Or check out Frey’s Hot Mommas, which provides exposure to role models by posting inspiring vignettes from women all over the world.

We all need mentors, and we can all be mentors. You don’t have to be at the top of your career to be a role model. Mentorship is about empowerment, and there is always someone behind you needing a hand. Grab that person and take them along with you!

The YWCA is looking for male and female mentors. If you are interested, please contact Hope Robinson, volunteer coordinator, at hrobinson@ywcaknox.com or 865-523-6126. For more information about the 2011 Tribute to Women or to purchase tickets, please call Danielle Benson at 865-523-6126 or visit our website.

--Sara Baker, YWCA Director of Women's Advocacy and Written Communications


Sara Baker holds an MA in English with Writing Concentration and a BA in English and Religion. Her lifelong commitment to women's issues includes volunteer work with the Alliance for International Women's Rights, American Association of University Women, National Conference on Community and Justice, National Network of Presbyterian College Women, University of Tennessee Women's Coordinating Council, University of Swansea Club W, and Maryville College Sisters in Spirit. Sara has studied African-American women's literature, women's roles in world religions, and the status of women in North Indian culture. Through her work at the YWCA, she researches women's rights, violence against women, women and poverty, and girl empowerment.

Another day, another sex scandal

There are too many to name—the long list of powerful men who chronically cheat, secretly father children with women other than their wives, sexually harass employees and colleagues, hire prostitutes (including minors and victims of trafficking), and sexually assault women. Not all men have these problems, of course, and not all powerful men, either. But why do some treat women this way? And what happens when women have power?

I’ve been talking to people about this subject lately and received a variety of responses. (Note: These were just casual conversations, not a study.) One person said it’s all about ego and nothing to do with sexism. A few think women are doing the same things but simply aren’t getting caught. I’m figuring those folks were talking more about cheating than prostitution and rape, and, yes, there are still far more men in power than women, so that accounts for at least some of the imbalance, but if loads of women really are behaving as badly, why aren’t they getting caught too?

Most respondents think that powerful men and powerful women behave quite differently—for the most part. I tend to agree, but not because I think there is necessarily a biological cause for this difference. Rather, I think men and women experience power differently because of the ways we are socialized and because we have yet to achieve full equality across the board.

In general, women still have to work harder to get to the top, and once they get there, their positions are often less tenable. I suspect they are less likely to take that power for granted. Sheryl Gay Stolberg writes in The New York Times, “Women have different reasons for running [for office], are more reluctant to do so and, because there are so few of them in politics, are acutely aware of the scrutiny they draw—all of which seems to lead to differences in the way they handle their jobs once elected.”

Women are judged more harshly for their sexual proclivities, so they have more to lose. (If you think double standards like this don’t exist anymore, then welcome to Feminism 101.) As author Erica Jong says, “Women know they won't be protected and that they'll be exposed. And it has to do with how much power men have in society and how little women have.”

We can’t talk about power without talking about ego. Dutch psychologist Joris Lammers, who has studied the relationship between power and confidence, says, “Power leads to this disinhibited sense that you can get what you want and should take risks to get it." As at least one person I spoke with mentioned, narcissism definitely plays a role. But can we blame it all on that and take sexism out of the equation? I’m not so sure. What does it mean when someone spends much of their public life fighting for human rights but treats women like objects in private? Is this not a reflection of institutionalized sexism?

Perhaps we spend too much time worrying about the personal lives of politicians and others in the public eye, but when their personal lives reveal behaviors that demean women—and I’m not talking about simple cheating (men and women cheat in almost equal numbers) but the deplorable actions listed above—I don’t want them making decisions about our economy, our laws, our lives. I’m sure many of these men would maintain that they are not sexist, that they believe in equal opportunity and even actively support it, but when their private actions are fundamentally sexist, I would argue that they are too.

We live in a society that not only tolerates but still promotes a “boys will be boys” attitude. Men in power are often expected to treat women this way. Many powerful men are invited to cheat, introduced to prostitution rings, encouraged to exploit women. This has been the case for thousands of years. It’s insulting to men and demeaning to women. But the fact that we now talk about it openly means it’s changing, however slowly.

What can you do to help it along? Men, pledge to treat women with respect. Recognize that what may be fueling your ego may also be devaluing women. Women, keep fighting for power and don’t let it go to your head.

If you’re a woman in a position of power, we would love to hear your thoughts.

--Sara Baker, YWCA Director of Women's Advocacy and Written Communications

Sara Baker holds an MA in English with Writing Concentration from the University of Tennessee and a BA in English and Religion from Maryville College. Her lifelong commitment to women's issues includes volunteer work with the Alliance for International Women's Rights, American Association of University Women, National Conference on Community and Justice, National Network of Presbyterian College Women, University of Tennessee Women's Coordinating Council, University of Swansea Club W, and Maryville College Sisters in Spirit. Sara has studied African American women's literature, women's roles in world religions, and the status of women in North Indian culture. Through her work at the YWCA, she researches women's rights, violence against women, women and poverty, and girl empowerment.

How girls’ push-up bras bring us all down

When I was a kid I hated wearing dresses. I wanted nothing more than to live in jeans and a t-shirt, so I could run around, climb trees, and slide into home base. Sure, I played dress-up with my mom’s old clothes, and I could spend hours picking out Barbie’s wardrobe, but I didn’t care what anyone thought of my appearance at nine years old. I didn’t try to look like Barbie in my everyday life because I understood that I was a kid and Barbie was a plastic grown-up who didn’t resemble any actual grown-ups. And I liked being a kid.

Now there are people who look like Barbie (even though they might be more plastic than human), and kids are encouraged to follow suit. Yesterday I heard a small child complaining that a particular dress would make her look fat. I’ve seen string bikinis for toddlers, push-up bras and high heels for seven-year-old girls, insultingly sexual t-shirt slogans, and lots of shorts that stop just above the behind. (Girls, if you’re wondering if you’re hanging out of these shorts, you are!)

A friend of mine was fed up with her tween stepdaughter’s push-up bras, so she took her shopping for more age-appropriate undergarments, only to find that they don’t exist. A quick look at Target’s website shows a wide variety of girls’ demi-bras. This is a type of bra that emphasizes cleavage and allows women to wear low-cut tops. So why do ten-year olds need them? Or sixteen-year olds for that matter?

I don’t know when it became the norm for girls and women of all ages and sizes to wear push-up bras, but we’ve gone far beyond that by sexualizing little girls. Aren’t we a society that abhors pedophilia? Don’t we believe that girls can do anything? That they don’t have to rely on men to provide for them? So why are we pushing them to be sexy at such an early age?

On CNN.com, LZ Granderson blames parents for buying these clothes, and Jennifer Moses has mixed feelings on the subject in the Wall Street Journal. Is it a mother-daughter bonding thing? Are parents acting like best friends instead of parents? Are they living vicariously?

Studies by the American Psychological Association reveal that early sexualization negatively affects cognitive function, eating disorders, low-self esteem, depression, and sexual health in girls. It can ultimately lead to serious social problems, including “an increase in sexism; fewer girls pursuing careers in science, technology, engineering and mathematics (STEM); increased rates of sexual harassment and sexual violence; and an increased demand for child pornography.”

So what can we do? Stop buying these products, for one thing. Check out businesses such as Pigtail Pals, which aims to “redefine girly,” and campaigns like Let Girls Be Girls. More importantly, instead of taking your daughter shopping this weekend, read together. Go to a museum. Balance your checkbook while she does her math homework and say, “Work that quadratic equation, girl!”


Written by: Sara Baker

Sara Baker is the director of outcomes/grant management and the Big Read coordinator for the YWCA Knoxville. She holds an MA in English and Creative Writing from the University of Tennessee and a BA in English and Religion from Maryville College. She has worked as a writer, English instructor, and AmeriCorps VISTA. Sara grew up in Cincinnati, Ohio, and has lived in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; Swansea, Wales; and Wroclaw, Poland. Her lifelong commitment to women's issues includes volunteer work with the Alliance for International Women's Rights, American Association of University Women, YWCA Knoxville Y-Teens, National Conference on Community and Justice, National Network of Presbyterian College Women, University of Tennessee Women's Coordinating Council, University of Swansea Club W, and Maryville College Sisters in Spirit. Sara has studied African American women's literature, women's roles in world religions, and the status of women in Northern Indian culture. Through her work at the YWCA, she researches issues affecting women, such as homelessness, domestic violence, leadership, and empowerment.

Did you know that strangulation is not a felony?

In Tennessee strangulation is a misdemeanor, which shocks people every time I say it. But it’s true.

At least 26 states have passed tougher laws regarding strangulation, and many others are following suit. This afternoon the Tennessee Senate Judicial Committee will consider SB 0476, introduced by outgoing Senator Jamie Woodson. The bill “adds attempting or intending to cause bodily injury by strangulation to the definition of aggravated assault.”

Studies show that non-fatal strangulation is a major risk factor for homicide of women. One survey of women who were victims of domestic violence revealed that 68% experienced strangulation from their abuser. Half of the time there are no visible injuries.

It’s possible to survive strangulation, think you’re fine, and then die weeks later because of brain damage due to lack of oxygen and other internal injuries. Symptoms such as difficulty breathing, hoarse voice, coughing, difficulty swallowing, swollen tongue or lips, drooling, nausea, vomiting, hallucinations, headaches, dizziness, and miscarriage may be indications of an internal injury such as swelling, bleeding, fractured larynx, seizures, or pulmonary edema.

Obviously, there are ethical reasons for preventing strangulation, but the financial argument is also compelling.

In 2010, 76% of YWCA Victim Advocacy Program clients were low income or extremely low income, which means they were unlikely to have insurance. Since many would have been on TennCare, strangulation resulting in medical services would be a direct cost to the state. Without the abuser going to prison, in most cases it can be extremely difficult for the victim to leave, which means repeat abuse and repeat medical services. Health care costs not covered by TennCare are an indirect drain on the state because high out-of-pockets costs leave individuals less to spend on products and services, meaning a decrease in sales tax revenue. In 2004, the TN Economic Council on Women estimated Tennessee’s DV-related medical and value of life costs to be $87,157,848.

When one parent kills the other, children are left behind. The minimum cost to place a child in state custody and provide basic counseling and testing is $5000 per month. And the ripple effect is huge. Such children are likely to continue the cycle of violence by becoming victims or abusers themselves, and mental illness and behavioral problems such as school dropout, addiction, and criminal activity are common. Sadly, up to 93% of US youth entering the juvenile justice system annually experienced trauma prior to incarceration (such as witnessing violence or losing a parent) compared to 14-34% among all children. Children in homes where domestic violence occurs are physically abused or seriously neglected at a rate 1500% higher than the national average.

Since strangulation is likely to lead to homicide, it’s important that we look at how murder affects the US economy. A recent Iowa State study shows that the average cost per murder exceeds $17.25 million in terms of victim costs, criminal justice costs, lost offender productivity, and public willingness-to-pay costs.

That’s a mighty hefty community problem, and strangulation is part of it

Written by: Sara Baker, Director of Women's Advocacy and Written Communications

Sara Baker holds an MA in English and Creative Writing from the University of Tennessee and a BA in English and Religion from Maryville College. She has worked as a writer, English instructor, and AmeriCorps VISTA. Sara grew up in Cincinnati, Ohio, and has lived in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; Swansea, Wales; and Wroclaw, Poland. Her lifelong commitment to women's issues includes volunteer work with the Alliance for International Women's Rights, American Association of University Women, YWCA Knoxville Y-Teens, National Conference on Community and Justice, National Network of Presbyterian College Women, University of Tennessee Women's Coordinating Council, University of Swansea Club W, and Maryville College Sisters in Spirit. Sara has studied African American women's literature, women's roles in world religions, and the status of women in Northern Indian culture. Through her work at the YWCA, she researches issues affecting women, such as homelessness, domestic violence, leadership, and empowerment.